Courts of Chaos | comedy + writing blog

In an infinite universe, everything must exist.

A.J. Axline | jester

  • The ship kicked on the anti-grav pads and the shuddering plunge through the planet’s thin atmosphere smoothed into a gliding descent through the final cloud layer. The ship lowered to about fifty meters above the planet’s surface, a rocky beach of blue-black gravel and stones. There were some boulders that were several meters tall, but the majority of the rocks were shorter than I was.

    “Ship, let’s go lower,” I said.

    The ship complied, slowly descending to about twenty meters from the planet’s surface. The blue-black stones contained reflective flecks that glittered in the star light.

    “Ship, do a slow advance,” I said.

    The landscape outside of the curved viewscreen began moving. I watched it glide past, scanning the terrain for a particular feature.

    It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for: a protruding lump of shiny light blue metal. It looked like an exotic skin blemish, an oval hillock of cobalt blue… which is exactly what it was.

    I reached out with a finger and tapped the viewscreen where the mineral deposit was. “Ship, there,” I said.

    The ship, a true circular flying saucer, rotated on its internal axis and obediently closed the distance to the deposit.

    “Ship, set down with perimeter edge ten meters away from the site,” I said.

    I felt, rather than heard the landing gear slide out from underneath the ship. It swung down and settled onto the surface with a gentle thump that I barely registered.

    I got out of the chair I thought of as the “pilot’s seat” and took a few deep breaths to calm myself. As eager as I was to leave the ship for awhile, I always felt some anxiety when setting foot onto a strange planet. I’d done it a few dozen times, but it always came with a sense of dread.

    Would this be the time my suit failed? Would the ship malfunction and take off without me? Would it turn its weapons on me and blast my atoms across this sparkling desolation?

    None of these things had happened before, obviously. But one of the universe’s lessons is clearly obvious when you’ve been chasing resources in it:

    There’s a first time for everything.

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  • I came to the town of Le Mallard in search of my old linguistics professor who had taught at the college I’d graduated from some years ago. In truth, I was less interested in renewing acquaintances with him than in retaking possession of a book I had left in his care the previous summer, an antique journal of macabre and inscrutable entries penned by an elder ancestor of mine; a French aristocrat who had been rewarded for his loyalty and skill in battle with a ducal fief consisting of a coastal plantation famous in its time for its prolific citrus orchards.

    Duke a l’Orange had lived to see his fief become a most valuable enterprise, thanks in no small part to the native labour pool of workers he employed, a people known for their unusual grey skin tone, large hands, and tree climbing ability. The historic name of this tribe was lost to antiquity by dint of the labourers’ own illiteracy and lack of an oral tradition. My ancestor came to regularly refer to this workforce as, “those grey-faced orange-picking cunts.”

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  • This is my second comedy collection, a book of jokes that were written over the last five years. If you consider the last five years and their general cuddly nature, you will understand the partial sentiment of the book’s title.

    The title also indicates how I use humor as a coping strategy and defensive shield. I may not whistle past the graveyard, but I certainly recite a few one-liners as I go by.

    This is available as a Kindle ebook; click the cover below to visit the sales page on Amazon. Consider buying a copy as an emergency cache of chuckles to be opened in unfunny times.

    Life Sucks, Choose Death (and other jokes)
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  • I think I want a robot
    I think we’re all past due
    For robots that will do the things
    That we don’t want to do

    I think I want a robot
    That can use a mop and pail
    Not a half-brained little vacuum
    That looks like a bathroom scale

    I think I want a robot
    That can change and make the bed
    That will make the toilet sparkle
    Just like a bald man’s head

    I think I want a robot
    That can wash and iron shirts
    That can cook up tasty meals
    Complete with fine desserts

    I think I want a robot
    That can’t become self-aware
    That won’t turn into SkyNet
    Or throw me down the stairs

    I think I want a robot
    That can clean and mend and fix
    That can repair a leaky faucet
    And serve sirloin steak at 6:00

    I think I want a robot
    That will follow Asimov’s Laws
    And won’t spend memory searching
    For a “kill the humans” clause

    I think I want a robot
    That can also work outdoors
    That’s just as good at mowing grass
    As it is at waxing floors

    I think I want a robot
    With a lifetime warranty
    And when my lifetime’s over
    It will help to bury me

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  • “We should know pretty soon if he made it or not,” he said. It was almost a question, and he looked up from his disassembled firearm.

    “Pretty soon,” she agreed.

    She went back to doing her weapon maintenance. He took in a deep breath and sighed.

    “You should get some rest,” she said without looking up from the improvised table in front of her. “If he doesn’t make it–“

    “I don’t want to think about that,” he said tersely.

    “If he doesn’t make it,” she repeated without acknowledging the interuption, “we’ll need to abandon this post PDQ.”

    “You don’t think he’ll succeed,” he said. “You’ve already–“

    “What I think doesn’t matter,” she said. “It’s all up to him now. But we should be ready to evacuate if we need to, which is why you should go get some rest.”

    He waited for her to say more, but she continued working in silence until he got up and walked to the crew quarters, his shoulders slumped. His mind was a dull exhausted lump of despair sparring with hope.

    She was right, he thought. We should be ready to flee if we have to.

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